LIFE IN WILLISTON: Not into astrology

By Karen Wyman

I’ve never been one who believes in astrology; I won’t even read my horoscope. However, I found it very intriguing to learn Chinese astrology tells us that 2013 is the Year of the Water Snake. According to this belief, we are likely to see many developments in science and technology as research and development will be at an all-time high. I have to admit the pharmacist in me got very excited thinking about all of the potential improvements and advancements in medicine that could occur under this sign. But of course, the goofball in me quickly surfaced as I realized this could be the year when those ridiculous apps I have thought of finally become reality.

Now I’m sure on some level many of these apps may already exist. I don’t know which is more upsetting— the fact that someone else has my crazy way of thinking or the fact that I will never be on the forefront of invention. Regardless, I would like to share a few of my ideas for the technology surge of 2013.

Cyber Confessional App: Type up your sins, which then get sent to a priest, who then sends back your penance. You could be absolved of your sins right after you commit them! And no more dark little confessional booths! (My Mom nixed this idea before I could even finish explaining it to her at Christmas, and of course, in true Catholic mother fashion, made me feel very guilty for even thinking it.)

Mirror App: Since it’s apparently socially acceptable to be staring at your cell phone all the time, it can become a mirror so we can inconspicuously check our teeth after eating that spinach frittata.

Scene Detector App: A virtual bar cam that can scan the crowd at local establishments. If no one catches your eye, keep your sweats on and stay on your couch watching CSI. If you can check out a menu online before you decide to eat there, you should also have a way of checking out the scene. Oh, to think of the cover charges that could have been saved all those nights in college when my girlfriends and I aimlessly cabbed all around the city, trying to find whatever our scene was at that particular time. For a charge, this app could even be enhanced to include relationship statuses of people who pique your curiosity.

Outfit Organizer App: Photograph all of your clothes and accessories, then take a picture of yourself and voila!—you can virtually try on every possible outfit combination. No more piles of discarded inside-out clothes on your floor before you hit the town. Think of the time and frustration you can save! The upgraded version could also add fashion experts’ opinions on your ensemble. You will never be a “fashion don’t” again!

Drunk Dial/Text Blocker App: Your phone can detect how much alcohol you have had and will prevent you from making those embarrassing inebriated calls or texts to a predetermined list of contacts. Never declare your love or lust for an ex, a boss or a best friend’s significant other again!

I decided to test one of my apps by first creating a Facebook page to generate interest. This particular app is the “Magic Moniker.” Not to toot my own horn, but over the years I have helped many friends and relatives name everything from their kids and pets to their boats. (Who doesn’t think “The Aqua-holic” is a great name for a boat?) I thought it would be nice to have a place at the touch of your fingers where you can describe or upload a picture of what you would like help naming, answer a few questions, and then have people weigh in on their ideas. For example, do you have an orange kitten and all you can think of for a name is Pumpkin? Use the “Magic Moniker” and within seconds you will have tons of suggestions. How about Cheeto, Dori (short, of course, for Dorito), or Julius? I would like to take this opportunity to thank the three people who have “liked” my page; it is because of you that I have the confidence to continue to present my ideas. Unfortunately, the three of you happen to be from Russia and will never see this shout out, but I still thank you for your support.

I guess it is painfully obvious that I am not going to be the next Mark Zuckerberg. (At least not in America—in Russia it’s looking a little more promising) As this Year of the Snake slithers on, however, I am relieved to realize that here (and most likely in Russia, too) snakes are currently hibernating, so I don’t technically need to be active until spring. Happy 2013!

Karen Wyman has been a Williston resident for seven years, and lives with her husband and twin 5-year-old daughters.